Skip to main content


"But, You Look so Good"

Every day Every hour I tell myself to relax; to stop and inhale deeply. I need to do it after I clumsily knock something over or after I hear something about the small handed Cheeto trying to destroy the country. When I get worked up my hands start trembling, my mind starts pinging around to all my shitty memories haunting the corners of my conscious, and my stomach seizes up like an umbrella being shut (Speaking of umbrellas, have you checked out the umbrella bar at Big Chill Beach Club in Indian River Outlet, DE? Its closing gets applause so... basically same same). Worse than all of that is my compulsive picking at my cute face. I've done lots of harmful things to myself over the years (drinking cases of diet coke a day, only dating guys with multiple duis, etc.), but now I'm ruining my once blemish and scar-free face. My pretty decent mug is my third favorite body part after my ass and boobs, ranking one and two, respectively. 
It's gotten so bad Jesse yells "STOP…
Recent posts

i am sorry for abandoning you

i am
i am incredibly
i am incredibly sorry
i am incredibly sorry for...

retreating into myself and allowing the demons to take control
not being strong enough to help others or myself
allowing the fear and the "what-ifs" to win the latest battle
giving up on the people who believed in me and my words
losing the confidence I had earned from telling my story
believing I no longer deserved love and support from my friends and family
It was never my intention to abandon my writing or the beautiful people that read my filthy, feces filled drivel. Each time I sat down to pound out some hilarious anecdote or hard-fought lesson I learned from shitting into thousands of porcelain bowls around the world, nothing but sadness and dread poured out. I have always prided myself on being able to handle this disease with laughter and positivity. I used those attributes to build my "brand" and I wouldn't permit myself to publish something …

Whiff and Fondle

Oh baby, let me get a whiff of that.

I have a uber restricted diet for three reasons: my surgery, my disease, and my intense and unwavering love for animals.

I watched the documentary "Food Inc." in 2011 and it exacerbated the small part of me that always wanted to be a vegan. I joined PETA and became one of those bleeding hearts. Unfortunately, it only lasted for a few months, not to my mother's surprise, for I became grotesquely anemic. I'll never forget my final day of veganism, it consisted of waking up after 14 hours of sleep, showering, and driving to work, where on the DC beltway, I fell asleep at the wheel going 60 mph and slammed into the back of a pickup truck. It was not coincidentally the last day of my beloved 2000 Lexus ES 300, (which was the pricey successor to the 1996 version which I flipped in 2005 after having it (and my license) for six weeks). After the accident (and weeks of iron infusions) I now call myself an ovo-pescatarian, which means the o…

Brunette, Good. Blonde, Bad.

Yesterday I couldn't decide between writing about anal leakage or about becoming a buxom blonde. 
On October 16th, 2014 I decided to dye my glorious mane. (I am naturally a brunette, just a shade or two up from black.) My whole life I wanted to know what I would look like with golden locks, would my life suddenly become more fun and filled with stunningly handsome Olympians named Thor or Hansel? I craved to look like another half-Lebanese beauty, Shakira. I truly desired to be almost anyone else at that time. 
When I was released from the hospital in April, 2014 after my surgery and complications, finally off iv nutrition after 6 weeks. Still only on a full liquid diet, I went to see a new doctor that I was referred to (because I was threatening to murder the doctor I previously saw). I told her my symptoms and what I was currently experiencing. After I humorously mentioned my new blog, she ripped out the unknown invisible rug I was standing on and blankly said that I probably didn…


I didn't think that each post would be about the reason I'm late to posting and what new/old fun thing my body throws at me. But here we are. 

Today it is fatigue.  fa·tigue fəˈtēɡ

extreme tiredness, typically resulting from mental or physical exertion or illness.
Jesse and I had a fantastic jaunt to Philadelphia last weekend. We stayed in Old City and ventured around to Fishtown, where we purchased an awesome sewing table; Chinatown, where we ate at a ramen and tea bar...fucking amazing, and Center City, where we devoured scrumptious appetizers and desserts at V-Street (vegan restaurant with many gluten free options...winning).  We shopped, drank, and savored. We walked, talked, and fucked. It was marvelous. We took detours coming home on Sunday, delighting in ever last drop of the sunshine and the romance.  We swooped up Max, our handsome 12 lb. dachshund, from my parents' house (seriously the best grandparents in the land), switched to his favorite vehicle (we have 4, it's…

Invisible and a little sensitive (and a little angry)

People with invisible disabilities, such as chronic pain or illnesses are often accused of faking or imagining their disabilities. Who accuses these people of faking or imagining these disabilities?

Mostly it is the person whom it is affecting. Not discounting the doctors or family or friends or co-workers or strangers who make passing judgments. Especially the old coots who think it is perfectly kosher to steal people's wheelchairs in airports, fucking wrinkly twats (literally 😬). 

One of my close friends, who I've known since childhood, was always extremely active and outdoorsy. She never let anyone or anything slow her ass down until one day she couldn't even get that beautiful behind out of bed; she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. She has been constantly fighting not only her body, but the stigma of having a disease that many people consider fake or superficial. 

This past year she had a terrible flare, which meant all over pain, plus vertigo and chronic migraines. She …

Top 20 TV Shows

Top 20 TV lifelines.
Friends (Basic)All My ChildrenBuffy the Vampire Slayer (except Season 6, no Joss 👎)Charmed PsychFireflySabrina, the Teenage Witch (When she leaves college, things take a downward turn, but the series finale is A+)Arrested Development (Only Seasons 1-3, 4 is absolute poop)Parks and Recreation (sans season 1, that shit is terrible)Golden GirlsWelcome Back, KotterOne Life to LiveSOAP (Billy Crystal is the master of all comedy)Warehouse 13Murder, She WroteFrasier (Watch Cheers too)Boy Meets World (Corey and Topanga were my #relationshipgoals)Gilmore Girls30 RockCastle
My life has been spent wrapped in blankets watching these shows. Some dozens of times. I can repeat every line of Friends and have no shame about it. I spent every day of my life with All My Children and One Life to Live until the day they were unjustly and horrifically cancelled. When Psych and Warehouse 13 were taken off Netflix I had medium sized nervous breakdowns. Jesse says he's wait…