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Showing posts from February, 2014

Normalcy

Rollin' on Up

I can not go a day on Facebook without seeing a post about people in their 20s. Difference between early twenties and late twenties or 25 Things that Happen when you're 25 or my personal favorite 22 Awesome things about being 22. Let me tell you Buzzfeed about the 1% of the twenty-somethings that have bigger problems to deal with than "You have the physical ability to drink as much as you want, and the disposable income to afford it".

That is number one on the list for "22 Awesome Things about Being 22". When I was 22 I was a senior in college and had just been dumped for the third time by the same cheating asshole. I started working out everyday and counting calories. I wanted to be the hottest I had ever been, so I could show him what a mistake he had made. I was the epitome of a normal 22 year old moron.

That lasted for a month until I was working as a wedding server for my catering class and suddenly got the worst pain in the stomach I had…

Oy Vey

Shut Up. I Hear You.
I am officially creeped out by my body. My Crohns' can not only hear, but listen. I am not kidding. If someone mentions a blueberry or a grapefruit, it starts burning like I'm eating one. If someone discusses how awful Crohns' is, it starts stabbing me in the stomach. Mention my surgeries and my scars hurt. I know what to eat by thinking of the food and seeing if I become nauseous or sick.

My mama and I went to the doctor's office recently because I am not in remission and would like to be. As I sat in the waiting room, my pain scale was about 4, which is the lowest I get to. A four in my book equals roughly an 80 on the normal, healthy people's scale. Imagine you just ate Indian food, then add the worst cramp and stomach pain you've ever had and multiply it by 100. That's about a 2 for me. As we got called back to the office my hips and knees started to give out, so I started walking like a pirate with a peg leg minus the witty parrot.…

Fried Food Sadness

Let me smell your fries
Who doesn't love food? Mozzarella sticks, onion rings, chicken tenders were shoved into my mouth on the regular. None of them are healthy and that is why I loved them. I ate when I was hungry or drunk or bored. Sometimes all three. In college I had a quick-service restaurant that specialized in fried treats one floor below mine. I used to house a chicken tender wrap with ranch dressing and a side of potato wedges daily. I was never heavy or portly shockingly. I did gain the freshman 15, but I also tanned every day and looked like a moron, so no one noticed the fatty I had turned into. Then suddenly my whole life changed. The foods I loved were gone and all I had left were the memories and crumbs of battered and deep fat fried goodness left in my rolls.

I was in Disney World interning at Artist Point in the Wilderness Lodge and living with my favorite five girls in 3609. Crohns' was working it's hardest to take my colon, so my mom came down from Mary…

The "Chef"

Wine no More
After the Iranian God and before I dated my 4th (!!!) guy who didn't have a car because of multiple DUIs, I went on a date with a "chef". I had been exchanging emails and texts with him for a few weeks. I didn't find him incredibly good looking, as he was a balding, plain white guy, but he did have a semi-cute face. And he was a CHEF. A CHEF!! That is my instant panty dropper. Don't even get me started on Top Chef...woooo buddy.

I came home from a long day at work and he texted me to meet him for a drink in Rockville Town Center. Annie told me to accept his offer, so of course I did. Damn that bitch and my immense love for her. I changed my clothes and told him I would meet him at La Tasca in 20 minutes. As Annie sat on our perfectly cushioned couch and watched Pretty Little Liars, I sank my head in regret and shame and walked out the door. 

I got to the restaurant and sat down at the bar, creepily staring at the weirdos surrounding me. I could not beli…

New Direction

Damn Him for Being Right
On Saturday my sister, brother-in-law, and I went and had a pleasant lunch. As we came up to the same light that Nick (my brother-in-law) had once asked Sionne (my sister) to smell his beard, Nick became enraged when Sionne said that she had mentioned Nan (my "cousin")'s help in my blog and not his.Nick is not even on Facebook, where the previous mentioning had occurred, but was none the less infuriated. He pointed out, in the loudest tone conceivable, that the blog was his idea and he deserved all the credit. I shouted from the back seat, you know the place where all younger siblings have to be, that I deserved the credit because I write and create it. But of course that fell on deaf ears. Sionne was arguing that my blog was about online dating, which was Nan's idea. Not Crohn's Disease, which was Nick's idea. We dropped it when we entered the restaurant because we are fat and were starving. 
After lunch they came back to my house to p…

Virginia is for Lovers?!?

Back off me freaks



First things first. VIRGINIA IS PERVERTED. Yes, in a perfect world the whole state should not be blamed for the acts of a few creeps. BUT, this is not a perfect world so please fix your marriages and stay away from me and my lovely lady parts. OK. Second things second. Clearly, the second and third guy have got to be the same guy. Now, is this just a copy and pasted message that he sends out to all potential victims? I mean dates. Also, why me? What was it about my profile that screams slutty ho down to be complicit in adultery? I am going to just blame my beautiful breasts for this and move on. 

No. This is not dating.

The Iranian God
I started online dating after everyone in the world told me I had to move on from my last breakup. Considering I hardly leave the ecstasy that is my couch, I thought it was the best option. I joined okcupid because it was free and I am poor. I was unaware at the time that it is a hook-up website...I found out quickly.  My first few days I got an overwhelming amount of emails from men and a few women. Most I did not return because I am vain and they were not up to my incredibly high internet standards. I exchanged a couple of messages with a few hot guys until they bored me and/or actually wanted to meet for a date. Yes, I am aware I was on a dating site, so DUH they would want to go on a date.  I decided that I should also join match.com because their commercials were pretty cute and I hadn't found a couch husband. The flood of 2s and 4s came through my inbox and I quickly rejected them all. Then suddenly the hottest man I have ever seen sent me an email. After a brie…