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No. This is not dating.

The Iranian God

I started online dating after everyone in the world told me I had to move on from my last breakup. Considering I hardly leave the ecstasy that is my couch, I thought it was the best option. I joined okcupid because it was free and I am poor. I was unaware at the time that it is a hook-up website...I found out quickly. 
My first few days I got an overwhelming amount of emails from men and a few women. Most I did not return because I am vain and they were not up to my incredibly high internet standards. I exchanged a couple of messages with a few hot guys until they bored me and/or actually wanted to meet for a date. Yes, I am aware I was on a dating site, so DUH they would want to go on a date. 
I decided that I should also join because their commercials were pretty cute and I hadn't found a couch husband. The flood of 2s and 4s came through my inbox and I quickly rejected them all. Then suddenly the hottest man I have ever seen sent me an email. After a brief email exchange I finally got up the courage to go on my first blind online date with the gorgeous Arab Marine with the arms of Hercules. He had just moved here and thought Kramer Books would be a good first date. I metroed down and as soon as I walked out of the Dupont Circle metro I started having a panic attack. What if he dressed up like Edward Scissorhands and tries to stab me in the neck with his index scissor. But that would be like a million to one odds. And if that did happen my heart would give out and I wouldn't even feel the cold steel in my carotid artery.
Luckily, he was late so I walked aimlessly around the awesome book store that is Kramers and calmed my nerves. I could see those spectacular arms coming down the road and I knew that tonight was going to be a okay! Thank god I shaved my legs. We exchanged that awkward ass out hug, since my ass is so large I think I knocked down a few patrons doing so. We then grabbed a table and ordered our first round. 
The talk was easy considering eye contact was never a problem.  After about an hour and a half we decided to go to another bar. It had started to snow, which would have made our walk so romantic had I not fallen on my gigantic rump 3 times within the first 5 minutes, then gotten us so stupidly lost. We ended up at Mad Hatter (5 minute walk took 20 minutes) and got a table by the door. He fetched us drinks as I tried to put my sexy back on. 
We stayed til 1:30am dancing and laughing...about how I couldn't stop touching his arms and pecs. Seriously, I could still chisel them into marble and have them greet people when they entered my home just from memory. He walked me to the metro stop and kissed me goodbye. As I wrapped my tiny hands around his giant throbbing biceps I tripped down a couple of metro stairs in the midst of it. I have not worn those damn black wedges since.  
For our second date, he wanted to meet at a sushi restaurant in Eastern Market. I had told him I grew up here and knew my way around the city. He was naive and believed me even after the snow debacle. He should NOT have. I came out of the Union Station metro looking cute and bubbly. I showed up at the date looking angry, sweaty, and crazy. I had not considered that the address to the restaurant was SE not NE and my damn phone was the least helpful piece of cow manure on the earth's surface. I walked in circles and down alleys for 35 minutes in NE while he and his tan  delicious self waited and waited. I finally got my shit together, hauled ass to him and we had a pleasant night. 
We did have a third date which was so unremarkable I can't remember any of the details. Except, we rode the metro, we kissed goodbye and that was the last time I ever saw him. Til this day I can remember every hair, dimple, and muscle on him. I just can't remember his name. 


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