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Rollin' on Up

I can not go a day on Facebook without seeing a post about people in their 20s. Difference between early twenties and late twenties or 25 Things that Happen when you're 25 or my personal favorite 22 Awesome things about being 22. Let me tell you Buzzfeed about the 1% of the twenty-somethings that have bigger problems to deal with than "You have the physical ability to drink as much as you want, and the disposable income to afford it".

That is number one on the list for "22 Awesome Things about Being 22". When I was 22 I was a senior in college and had just been dumped for the third time by the same cheating asshole. I started working out everyday and counting calories. I wanted to be the hottest I had ever been, so I could show him what a mistake he had made. I was the epitome of a normal 22 year old moron.

That lasted for a month until I was working as a wedding server for my catering class and suddenly got the worst pain in the stomach I had ever felt. I fell down in the staff coat closet and scrambled to pull up my shirt looking for blood because I had been shot. But there was no blood, no gunshot wound, no protruding knife in my abdomen. It was just unexplainable, excruciating pain. I needed the hours for class, so I sucked it up and kept working. I remarkably managed to stay until the very end of the shift. I got in my car, closed the door, and started shrieking. I was 20 minutes away from my apartment in Kent. I drove in the fetal position with my head just above the steering wheel the whole way home. Screaming at the top of my lungs.

I finally pulled into my apartment complex and felt a wave of relief wash over me. Until, I realized my apartment was a whole flight of stairs away. I rolled out of the car as if on fire and pulled myself up into a Hunchback of Notre Dame type position. 15 minutes later I entered my apartment and collapsed. It was impossible to stand, so I tried to army crawl into my bed. Turns out army crawling takes an extraordinary amount of energy that I did not have. I slept the night on the carpet two feet away from my front door, like a drunk lunatic. I woke up and hobbled my way to the bathroom. I lived there for the rest of the weekend, contemplating moving in permanently.

Sunday night, after repeated calls and texts missed from the brothers of Delta Tau Delta, they took matters into their own hands and came over. I finally reached the door and was swiftly removed from my home. I explained what happened as they threw me in the car and drove to the Wal-Mart next door. The poor elderly greeting lady looked at me with horror. I was dirty, pale, and walking like a pre-evolution ape. She probably thought I was a gremlin of some kind when I asked which aisle walkers were in. She meekly pointed to the geriatric aisle and we hobbled over. There was sadly no good walkers with fold down seats for when I needed a rest, only plain cheap ones. I bought a blue one and we went on our slow and painful way.

Monday I peeled my disgusting figure off the bathroom floor, threw myself in the shower and did the best I could. I shoved some sweats on my disfigured ogre-like body, grabbed my sweet new ride and headed for class. As I wheeled into Creative Writing I had to explain the walker and endure the blank and confused stares. But nothing was as joy-filled as exiting that building and walking into the busiest intersection at Kent State University. I moved like a turtle on xanax and "normal twenty somethings" could not stop gawking at the crazy girl imitating their grandmothers. As I headed down the giant hill, my body was fraught and over worked. I looked down at my pathetic excuse for a walker without a chair and cursed at it loudly. This act solidified my status as the psychopath that scared not only children, but all ages.

Buzzfeed can write as many articles as they want filled with memes and gifs of celebrities doing weird things in movies. They can write about being normal and being awesome. But until there is a mention of battling incurable diseases like a champion, I will not care. Because nothing is more awesome than that.

Kent Halloween 2010 (age 22) in my normal position:


  1. I read every post of your new blog and it made me laugh and cry. I admire your strength, your courage, and your amazing/warped sense of humor. lol I know your tricks and you think this whole thing will make it impossible for me to divorce you and you are probably right! Dammit! lol


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