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Oy Vey


Shut Up. I Hear You.

I am officially creeped out by my body. My Crohns' can not only hear, but listen. I am not kidding. If someone mentions a blueberry or a grapefruit, it starts burning like I'm eating one. If someone discusses how awful Crohns' is, it starts stabbing me in the stomach. Mention my surgeries and my scars hurt. I know what to eat by thinking of the food and seeing if I become nauseous or sick.

My mama and I went to the doctor's office recently because I am not in remission and would like to be. As I sat in the waiting room, my pain scale was about 4, which is the lowest I get to. A four in my book equals roughly an 80 on the normal, healthy people's scale. Imagine you just ate Indian food, then add the worst cramp and stomach pain you've ever had and multiply it by 100. That's about a 2 for me. As we got called back to the office my hips and knees started to give out, so I started walking like a pirate with a peg leg minus the witty parrot. I tried to walk like I was a pimp, but I almost tripped over a chair with my exaggerated stride. We sat down and waited for the nurse to arrive. As my mom told me for the umpteenth time to tell the truth, my back and neck started to throb. I don't know if I can solely blame the disease for that little gem. The nurse walked in and asked how I was feeling. Shitty, obviously. No one goes to the doctor because they are feeling wonderful and full of magic and delight. I stated that the medicine I was on was not working, which she seemed overly concerned about. That was not my main problem ma'am!!

I explained that I get a shooting pain everytime I eat. Suddenly the shooting pain appeared. I doubled over and continued that I go to the bathroom more than 10x a day. Once the sentence left my mouth I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom I got a wave of nausea that made me collapse to my knees. Which was disgusting, not only was it a public bathroom, but it was in a gastroenterologist's office. God only knows what had been on that floor. I ventured back to the room wondering what else was about to befall me.

My mother had finished the rest of my symptoms while I was gone, so now we just waited for the doctor. Mom turned to me and said she had mentioned my hiatal hernia. Within two seconds the weird hiccup/burp noise that comes from the hole in my esophagus to my mouth came out. "Yep. That one" she said. Thanks Mom. I was quite aware of the hourly noise that makes me sound  like a weird duck.

The doctor entered the room and all the previous pain tripled. My body was furious that someone dared to make its daily torment stop. He asked me all the questions that the nurse asked and then I asked a few of my own. "Was it possible that invisible elves were stabbing me in the stomach?" and "Could you use a laser to get rid of all my scar tissue? Lasers seem cool and I feel like that would be possible". He of course said no to both, but at least he smiled. That smile did give me some hope he was a human and not a robot. I had some concern prior to the visit. When he asked me to get on the table for the physical exam, standing up and moving the 2 inches was one of the hardest tasks I had ever accomplished. Every joint cracked and ached, like the 90 year old spinster I was rapidly becoming. Finally on the table, he pushed my stomach to see where exactly the pain was. Each cold handed press felt like an elephant stepping on my small intestine.

We finally left the doctor's and I noticed that I was given a sheet with all of my problems laid out and it had grown since I was there last week for my infusion. I could feel my insides celebrating their victory. Those stupid smug bastard organs. But this is WAR. They won this battle, but I will be victorious in the end.

Here is a picture of my two lists side by side. I cut off Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Colitis at the top:

P.S. While writing this my body has been attacking me...Revenge will be mine.

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