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Maddening

Everyone has problems. Whether big or small, they are there. People react differently to situations and how they handle stress and disease. I am one who chooses laughter and sarcasm to mask my pain.  This may seem like hiding to some, but I am a realist and know that I may never get better. Why would I stay miserable and sad for the rest of my life? No one enjoys a Debbie Downer, especially one as cute as me. So when I was scanning Pinterest and found a post with this quote: "When you've been sad for so long that when something bad happens you don't cry, you sit there and feel numb" I became suddenly enraged. I have never desired to be a hacker in my life, but I wanted to track the original author's IP address and beat the living crap out of him or her.

I am about to go on a small rant, so please excuse me for a moment. WHOMEVER wrote this quote, then put it on tumblr, then pinned it to Pinterest to be seen by many young people is a monster. Worse than Justin Bieber. Even if that is how he or she feels, do not put it out there for people to feel sorry for you. Or for children to believe that this should be an option. I do not have children and I probably never will. I can barely take care of myself and my dog let alone a tiny sticky person. But I lived for months with sick children at Johns Hopkins Hospital. I played bingo with them and I saw them in the hallways and heard their stories from my incredibly social mother and the nurses. One girl in particular will always stick in my memory.

She was unable to ever leave the hospital. She couldn't talk or move. One day I received a large ass balloon and seeing as I loathe clutter, especially in my hospital room I asked the nurses to give it to another younger patient. They told me that there was a girl who loved balloons and that it might do me some good to go and give to her myself. As I wandered down the hallway into her room I saw her mom's face light up. She told me to walk to the side of the bed and put it by her daughter's face. The girl did not flinch or speak, but her face lit up like I had told her she was cured. As I left the room I thought for the first time since I had found out that my colon was failing, that my life wasn't awful. The moment for me did not last, as I continued to worsen and my biggest fear came to life. But once I started to regain my strength and was reconnected I thought again of how many people never leave the hospital. It was the first time in months I wasn't a selfish thinking bitch. My brain was in awe.

There were so many children from ages 0-21 that were in there fighting everyday to get better. Everyday to beat diseases that no one thought they could. Nurses giving their lives to support these families and patients and seeing them through the toughest journeys of their young existences. Doctors doing everything they possibly can to make their quality of life better. There is not one person in that hospital that didn't cry when they were sad or smile when they heard even the smallest glimmer of hope. The pain they felt, the news they received, the lives they have lived would cripple most people. But weakness is not welcome there. No one there felt numb, no one there gave up hope because they felt sad for so long. They laughed and played with their bingo winnings, as I did with mine. Except they played with dolls and trucks and I read cookbooks and racked up iTunes gift cards.

Feeling sadness and regret is a common problem that everyone in the world feels. But the moment that you feel like you can't cry is the moment you need to seek professional help. The salty tears that rain from your eyes make you human and no matter how many bad things have happened there will always be a wonderful moment right around the corner. The corner may be awhile away, but it will be there eventually and giving up hope is unforgivable.

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