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Showing posts from June, 2014

Heaven

I'm not Happy to see you, I'm just High
Sionne rolled down her window and sniffed the air. A wry smile lit her face, "There's pot somewhere". "What does pot smell like?" I asked from the backseat of her Ford Focus. "Heaven" she replied, dreamily.

I was around 12 and had no idea about anything, including what a "blunts" was. The answer to that question was a loud laugh and endless mocking. I was a boobless, pre-teen who knew nothing about the mysterious world of drugs. I was a late bloomer, in all aspects of life. I preached abstinence and being a straight edge teen until I discovered Cinemax after Dark. Which was 16, the same age I got my period, had my first kiss, and drank my first alcoholic beverage.

I remember my first kiss vividly. I was in my basement nervously watching Pulp Fiction and anxiously anticipating the kiss I knew was coming. It wasn't true love, but I was intoxicated by his smell, a mixture of weed, cigarette sm…

Bump in my Butt

The Surgery that Started it All
When I was sixteen I got in a car accident (hilarious story) and had to wear a neck brace to school for a week; around that time I also started having a pain in my tailbone. My parents told me that it was all related and just like the whiplash it would subside. After the embarrassing monstrosity of brace left my gorgeous neck, the ass pain was still around and worsening by the day. My mother then decided that I had to have bruised my tailbone, so she bought me a donut. Within a three week period I had become the shmuck with the neck brace and ass pillow.

The tormenting blue donut was useless and I told the parentals that my health and reputation had suffered enough and this weird bump was forming in my ass crack. This was pre webMD, so my mother grabbed a gargantuan book of medical problems off our bookcase and skimmed through it. She decided that she needed a closer examination, so she grabbed a flashlight and my pants. The women in my family are basic…

25 and Unwed

Youngest Spinster Around

I have come up with so many excuses over the years as to why I was never in a serious relationship. "I was coming out of a long relationship", "I was coming out of an intense love", "I do not have the time to date right now", and my favorite, "Have you seen what is out there? My okcupid, match, eharmony, and jdate are filled with homicidal freaks looking to skin me and put my skin on a blow up doll and bang me".No matter how true the excuse, it was just that.

Obviously, I know there are great guys out there. I see them getting engaged all over my Facebook. But my guy, my future husband, is currently a fantasy concocted by the NFL and Disney.  He is at least six feet tall, one gorgeous foot taller than me. Height advantaged girls  everywhere hate short girls who date tall guys, but they can reach the top shelf at grocery stores and wear maxi dresses. So no sympathy here. He must've played a collegiate sport, if he di…

"Disabled"

Stupidity is not a disease, but they're too stupid to know
While sitting in the Philadelphia airport on the way to my first European adventure I almost lost my poop all over two old farts sitting near me. Now I didn't literally lose my poop on them, which is a real possibility as anyone with Crohns knows (when I had my bag I disgustingly threatened that more than I would like to admit). Back on point...I had just been placed into the handicapped sitting from my wheelchair when two moronic twats came wheeling up near me. They sat up, thanked the attendants, and got into their own handicapped seats. At first I thought, "Holy Crap how can two disabled people go on a vacation together? That is amazing!" Then I quickly realized that not only were they not even slightly handicapped, they were con artists. They had a very cute poodle/terrier mix with them and when two other old coots asked how they could travel with their dog they explained that they had made him an emotion…