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Showing posts from July, 2014

Bitch, I am sorry

I am writing this letter after watching a horrific episode of Marriage Bootcamp: Reality Stars on WE. They forgave people that had wronged them in the past and I thought that maybe I deserved to forgive myself too, through a letter. Hopefully I didn't kill too many brain cells watching that drivel and this makes sense.

Dear Gabrielle,

It has occurred to me that I owe you many apologies. I have taken you for granted and treated you like a dolphin at Sea World. I would like to make amends for all the past sins I have committed against you. There is no way to go back in time and undo the countless hours of torture, but I am hoping this letter will make up for some.

Starting with your childhood, I am sorry that I only brushed your teeth at night and not in the morning. I am also deeply sorry for rarely bathing you. The foul odor and stank breath was partly the reason you spent most days wrapped in a blanket watching tv in the basement alone. I am also incredibly sorry for chopping off…

Everybody Poops

The First Step to Recovery is Admittance
My name is Gabrielle and I am a poopaholic. There is no place I can not and will not drop my pants. I need to do it and if I am being 100% honest I need to do it more than almost anyone of planet earth. I wake up in the morning and just have to potty it up. Usually it's all of last night's dinner, unless I ate something I shouldn't have and then it is just mystery bile because dinner left me around midnight. I have done it everywhere and I no longer have any shame about admitting it.

When I was in high school I used to hide my bathroom habits any possible way. By senior year all my teachers knew I was sick, so being late or leaving in the middle was not a punishable offense. I used to love when we were watching a movie and I could sneak out through the darkness. Or when it was test day, I was always one of the first done if not the first, so I could turn my test in and run to the closest bathroom. Luckily, Crohns' was not very w…

20 Things to Do Before you Lose your Colon

ENJOY If it has been covered in flour and dunked into a fryer until golden brown, eat it! Onion rings are good, Mozzarella sticks are great, Fried chicken is amazing!Always eat the cake. Birthdays, weddings, showers, and anniversaries are all good excuses to shove a slice of heaven in your cake hole. But who needs an excuse, next time you head to Giant for some groceries, stop by and grab a slice or two. Please do not neglect the icing. When you're at a restaurant and you've already housed one bread basket, ask for another and then another. Make sure you have enough butter packets to slather each crispy piece. Have no shame.If a bakery smells good, walk inside and order at least three items. If it's Italian get an eclair or cannoli, Arab grab some baklava, French devour a chocolate croissant. In any bakery if they have cookies or pies, you eat them!Go eat some delicious Hispanic cuisine. There better be sour cream and hot sauce on every bite of those flour tortilla. It also…

Scars

Clearly I am not a Swimsuit Model
Show me a person who doesn't have a scar and I will show you a liar... and a mirror. Some scars are from accidents or being an idiot. Like getting hit in the head by a five year old with a baseball bat and a vendetta. I tried to get out of the way of the metal weapon being swung, but the scar on my eyebrow tells a different tale. It tells the same story as my sister and our cousins; one where I didn't move out of the way even though they repeatedly told me and then got cracked in my head. I like my version better. It doesn't make me seem like a moronic 7 year old with a listening deficiency and there's a bad guy and a damsel in distress.

Others are only on the inside. The ones you try to conceal, but always have a way of becoming exposed. Like a pimple on your chin, those are the worst. The scars that come from broken hearts, lost innocence, or trauma. My mother claims I have PTSD and that I should seek professional help to combat it. …