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20 Things to Do Before you Lose your Colon

  1. If it has been covered in flour and dunked into a fryer until golden brown, eat it! Onion rings are good, Mozzarella sticks are great, Fried chicken is amazing!
  2. Always eat the cake. Birthdays, weddings, showers, and anniversaries are all good excuses to shove a slice of heaven in your cake hole. But who needs an excuse, next time you head to Giant for some groceries, stop by and grab a slice or two. Please do not neglect the icing. 
  3. When you're at a restaurant and you've already housed one bread basket, ask for another and then another. Make sure you have enough butter packets to slather each crispy piece. Have no shame.
  4. If a bakery smells good, walk inside and order at least three items. If it's Italian get an eclair or cannoli, Arab grab some baklava, French devour a chocolate croissant. In any bakery if they have cookies or pies, you eat them!
  5. Go eat some delicious Hispanic cuisine. There better be sour cream and hot sauce on every bite of those flour tortilla. It also better be dunked in queso. 
  6. Speaking of Queso, NEVER SAY NO TO CHEESE. Mandatory: pizza topping is extra cheese, salad dressing is blue cheese, and a hamburger is a cheeseburger.
  7. 7-11 is not just for slurpees. Grab some friends, a quarter of some grade A kush, and head to the closest 7-11. The clear plastic case full of taquitos, pizza, and hot dogs should be emptied. If there is a bag of Funyuns, bugles, or Cheetos left on the shelves you have FAILED
  8. Spend one whole week eating from a drive-thru. Breakfast, lunch, snacks, dinner, dessert, and fourth meal should all come from a greasy bag. You need to rise and shine before 10am because sausage egg McMuffins wait for no man. And no matter what time it is, if you see the red light come on at Krispy Kreme, you get a glazed donut. 
  9. My favorite flavor of ice cream was chocolate chip cookie dough. Whatever yours is grab enough to fill a bathtub. Eat as much as you can, then whatever is left and melted, you bathe in it. Seriously, just soak in all the goodness.
  10. Some say the best part of the beach is the sun and sand. Those idiots are wrong. The best part about the beach are piƱa coladas or if you are on the Delmarva coast it is hot Fisher's caramel corn. Both should be enjoyed by the gallon. 
  11. Alcohol is your friend. Do not let anyone tell you differently. Drink every type of mixed drink and beer you can get your grubby mitts on. Except keystone light or natty ice, that shit is foul and not worth the hangover. 
  12. Take a road trip. Whether it be a cross-country exploration or finding the perfect beach to relax on, do it. Grab your closest friend, who won't care about the farts, and just drive. It will be the last trip you'll take without either multiple bathroom break or depends. 
  13. Don't have a car or have seen all the America you care to, no worries. Travel as much as you possibly can. Go to France or Italy and take a culinary tour. Drink your way around the UK. Explore India to get a taste of what not having a colon feels like. 
  14. Have a dog or a significant other? Go for a long walk. See the scenery, commune with nature, and enjoy the feeling of toilet free bliss. 
  15. Sleep bare ass naked every night. Don't ask questions, just thank me later.
  16. While you are lying naked in bed and want to watch McDreamy steam up the screen, DO NOT! I repeat DO NOT watch any medical dramas. They will fuck with your head and you will cry. No one should ever cry while naked in bed, it is just too sad. 
  17. The doctor should only be visited once a year. Even if he tells you to check back in every few months, ignore him. He is wrong and you will see him plenty after he removes your favorite bile holder.
  18. When you are ignoring your doctor and you feel a slight ache avoid the hospital at all cost. This may seem stupid, but hospitals are not meant to be lived in. Anything other than broken bones and deadly fevers should be taken to a minute clinic. 
  19. Do not stay with your significant other because you are scared of what is about to happen.
  20. Do not break up with your significant other because you are scared of what is about to happen.
If you have lost your colon before this fantastic list was written or plan on committing a murder or are just morbid, it is always fun to plan your last meal. Here is mine: A burger topped with pickles, ketchup, and crisp bacon sandwiched between two grilled cheeses; McDonald's large fry and strawberry shake; white Costco cake with a side of white chocolate and raspberries. YUM!!

*Tell me your last meal in the comment section, just for fun*


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