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Bitch, I am sorry

I am writing this letter after watching a horrific episode of Marriage Bootcamp: Reality Stars on WE. They forgave people that had wronged them in the past and I thought that maybe I deserved to forgive myself too, through a letter. Hopefully I didn't kill too many brain cells watching that drivel and this makes sense.

Dear Gabrielle,

It has occurred to me that I owe you many apologies. I have taken you for granted and treated you like a dolphin at Sea World. I would like to make amends for all the past sins I have committed against you. There is no way to go back in time and undo the countless hours of torture, but I am hoping this letter will make up for some.

Starting with your childhood, I am sorry that I only brushed your teeth at night and not in the morning. I am also deeply sorry for rarely bathing you. The foul odor and stank breath was partly the reason you spent most days wrapped in a blanket watching tv in the basement alone. I am also incredibly sorry for chopping off your gorgeous ringlets in second grade. That is a wrong that will stick with me forever. I  truly apologize for letting you become a bully. I know that being in pain everyday since you were 10 took a toll on you mentally, but there was no reason to be such a heinous bitch to people. Middle school was very hard on you and I feel like you kinda deserved it. You owe Annie a HUGE thank you for never leaving your side and putting up with disgustingness.

When you did leave your blanket cocoon and enter the real world I apologize for letting you go up a Black Diamond on your second time skiing. If you hadn't been rescued by Emily and Mitchell, you definitely would have met your demise. Either frostbite or a tree trunk would have taken you off this Earthly plane. I will never forgive myself for not taking another skiing lesson with Annie or for only caring about how fast I could go. I thought my adrenaline high from the bunny hill could only get more intense on a cliff, I was wrong.

I do not apologize for your aggressiveness in sports. I know that putting people in hospitals and breaking limbs seems wrong to many, but you were the shortest and slowest person out there. You needed some advantage. I want to thank you for each and every yellow and red card you received. There were so many and I remember each foul, no matter how big or small. I also want to give you mad props for committing 20-30 times the amount of fouls you were actually called for. Way to know when the ref had his back turned!

I am sorry for stunting your educational growth by not giving a flying fuck in middle school or high school. You could have gone to a much better college and maybe even earned a graduate degree like the rest of your family. I am sorry that I let you take ceramics. I am sorry that your family will never let that F go. Pottery is hard. Driving was apparently also very hard for you. You should apologize to the string of mailboxes you slaughtered, the bumpers you rear-ended, and to the cars you totaled. We no longer have leather seats because of your recklessness. But I am sorry for thinking that speed limits were for fools and going over 100 was super dope.

I can not take back the huge mistakes you made in high school. I did not know that I should have accepted your slutty reputation and actually been a slut. This could have changed not only your popularity, but all subsequent male choices. I was unaware that instead of spending your graduation money on useless crap you should have spent it on a boob job. Those two years could have been spent with great ta-tas. You unfortunately had to suffer the pain of buying an x-small top and a medium bottom for far too long.

In college I had no idea how awful cheap alcohol was. I thought you enjoyed taking a handle of Jose Cuervo to the face. I do not know why I let you carry around water bottles filled with that poison and allowed you to make some terrible life choices. I wish I could have stopped you from collecting over 30 beads at the Mardi Gras party or leaving Shannon at a random frat house alone, so you could lose your virginity. I whole-heartedly regret letting you get sucked into the fad of Joose and Four Loko. Chasing people around with nerf bats is never okay. Even if she was a red headed skank.

But what I am most apologetic about is how I treated you after your initial diagnosis and all subsequent diagnoses. I spent many years blaming you for not getting better. For not being able to stop the spread and on-set of new diseases. I yelled at you, I cussed at you, and I hated you. I did not understand that you were doing the best you could and fighting your own body is extremely challenging. I apologize for wishing your death and dismemberment. No matter how excruciating the pain is in your hip, you deserve to keep it. You have lost enough organs, you need to keep all your limbs intact. I am also sorry for drugging you to high heaven and not allowing you to eat pizza and cookies. You know that if I could I would.

I love you and every new, disgusting thing that happens or comes out of you I will learn to love too.

Your Gorgeous Self


  1. I love this! This is such a good idea, Im really tempted to do one myself.


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