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Everybody Poops

The First Step to Recovery is Admittance

My name is Gabrielle and I am a poopaholic. There is no place I can not and will not drop my pants. I need to do it and if I am being 100% honest I need to do it more than almost anyone of planet earth. I wake up in the morning and just have to potty it up. Usually it's all of last night's dinner, unless I ate something I shouldn't have and then it is just mystery bile because dinner left me around midnight. I have done it everywhere and I no longer have any shame about admitting it.

When I was in high school I used to hide my bathroom habits any possible way. By senior year all my teachers knew I was sick, so being late or leaving in the middle was not a punishable offense. I used to love when we were watching a movie and I could sneak out through the darkness. Or when it was test day, I was always one of the first done if not the first, so I could turn my test in and run to the closest bathroom. Luckily, Crohns' was not very well known when I was diagnosed, so when I said I was peeing all the time people still believed me. Now my small bladder can never just need a moment.  The only time my pee ever gets to be used as an excuse is when I am with complete strangers, naive shmucks, and men who I want to take back to my princess bed.

In college (pre-surgery) I could get away with doing whatever I wanted because my dorm room had private bathrooms and I never went to class. I did spend many nights at the fraternity house, but I was always drunker than Lohan and the seal never stayed unbroken. I did unspeakable acts in all three bathrooms within the first month of freshman year. Unfortunately after surgery everyone knew my business and if I went to the bathroom more than a couple times a night there was always a brother making sure I was okay. Not the brother I was sleeping with because he was oblivious to my actions and he was a complete dickhole. I never thought I would be thankful for someone not noticing me, but his ignorance helped our sex life and that's pretty much all we had.

Once I left college and went out into the real world I realized that I wasn't going to be able to hide my bathroom habits forever. I started teaching myself tricks, like going only when the toilet was flushing. I also mastered the silent poop, which can't even be explained, just know that I am amazing. But the more I travel and explore the world, the more toilets I have crapped into without a care. Who else can say they have dropped a deuce at the Acropolis in Athens and the ancient ruins of Ephesus without abandonment? I almost added Pompeii to that list until I realized that there was no toilet paper, luckily before I turned my shorts into a diaper. As my travel list broadens I know my toilet list will as well and the next stop is Comic-Con. San Diego Convention Center has no idea what is about to come upon them. How many bathrooms can I get through in four days? I think allllll of them!


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