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Showing posts from 2017

"But, You Look so Good"

Every day Every hour I tell myself to relax; to stop and inhale deeply. I need to do it after I clumsily knock something over or after I hear something about the small handed Cheeto trying to destroy the country. When I get worked up my hands start trembling, my mind starts pinging around to all my shitty memories haunting the corners of my conscious, and my stomach seizes up like an umbrella being shut (Speaking of umbrellas, have you checked out the umbrella bar at Big Chill Beach Club in Indian River Outlet, DE? Its closing gets applause so... basically same same). Worse than all of that is my compulsive picking at my cute face. I've done lots of harmful things to myself over the years (drinking cases of diet coke a day, only dating guys with multiple duis, etc.), but now I'm ruining my once blemish and scar-free face. My pretty decent mug is my third favorite body part after my ass and boobs, ranking one and two, respectively. 
It's gotten so bad Jesse yells "STOP…

i am sorry for abandoning you

i
i am
i am incredibly
i am incredibly sorry
i am incredibly sorry for...

retreating into myself and allowing the demons to take control
not being strong enough to help others or myself
allowing the fear and the "what-ifs" to win the latest battle
giving up on the people who believed in me and my words
losing the confidence I had earned from telling my story
believing I no longer deserved love and support from my friends and family
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It was never my intention to abandon my writing or the beautiful people that read my filthy, feces filled drivel. Each time I sat down to pound out some hilarious anecdote or hard-fought lesson I learned from shitting into thousands of porcelain bowls around the world, nothing but sadness and dread poured out. I have always prided myself on being able to handle this disease with laughter and positivity. I used those attributes to build my "brand" and I wouldn't permit myself to publish something …

Whiff and Fondle

Oh baby, let me get a whiff of that.

I have a uber restricted diet for three reasons: my surgery, my disease, and my intense and unwavering love for animals.

I watched the documentary "Food Inc." in 2011 and it exacerbated the small part of me that always wanted to be a vegan. I joined PETA and became one of those bleeding hearts. Unfortunately, it only lasted for a few months, not to my mother's surprise, for I became grotesquely anemic. I'll never forget my final day of veganism, it consisted of waking up after 14 hours of sleep, showering, and driving to work, where on the DC beltway, I fell asleep at the wheel going 60 mph and slammed into the back of a pickup truck. It was not coincidentally the last day of my beloved 2000 Lexus ES 300, (which was the pricey successor to the 1996 version which I flipped in 2005 after having it (and my license) for six weeks). After the accident (and weeks of iron infusions) I now call myself an ovo-pescatarian, which means the o…

Brunette, Good. Blonde, Bad.

Yesterday I couldn't decide between writing about anal leakage or about becoming a buxom blonde. 
On October 16th, 2014 I decided to dye my glorious mane. (I am naturally a brunette, just a shade or two up from black.) My whole life I wanted to know what I would look like with golden locks, would my life suddenly become more fun and filled with stunningly handsome Olympians named Thor or Hansel? I craved to look like another half-Lebanese beauty, Shakira. I truly desired to be almost anyone else at that time. 
When I was released from the hospital in April, 2014 after my surgery and complications, finally off iv nutrition after 6 weeks. Still only on a full liquid diet, I went to see a new doctor that I was referred to (because I was threatening to murder the doctor I previously saw). I told her my symptoms and what I was currently experiencing. After I humorously mentioned my new blog, she ripped out the unknown invisible rug I was standing on and blankly said that I probably didn…

Fatigued

I didn't think that each post would be about the reason I'm late to posting and what new/old fun thing my body throws at me. But here we are. 


Today it is fatigue.  fa·tigue fəˈtēɡ

extreme tiredness, typically resulting from mental or physical exertion or illness.
Jesse and I had a fantastic jaunt to Philadelphia last weekend. We stayed in Old City and ventured around to Fishtown, where we purchased an awesome sewing table; Chinatown, where we ate at a ramen and tea bar...fucking amazing, and Center City, where we devoured scrumptious appetizers and desserts at V-Street (vegan restaurant with many gluten free options...winning).  We shopped, drank, and savored. We walked, talked, and fucked. It was marvelous. We took detours coming home on Sunday, delighting in ever last drop of the sunshine and the romance.  We swooped up Max, our handsome 12 lb. dachshund, from my parents' house (seriously the best grandparents in the land), switched to his favorite vehicle (we have 4, it's…

Invisible and a little sensitive (and a little angry)

People with invisible disabilities, such as chronic pain or illnesses are often accused of faking or imagining their disabilities. Who accuses these people of faking or imagining these disabilities?

Mostly it is the person whom it is affecting. Not discounting the doctors or family or friends or co-workers or strangers who make passing judgments. Especially the old coots who think it is perfectly kosher to steal people's wheelchairs in airports, fucking wrinkly twats (literally 😬). 

One of my close friends, who I've known since childhood, was always extremely active and outdoorsy. She never let anyone or anything slow her ass down until one day she couldn't even get that beautiful behind out of bed; she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. She has been constantly fighting not only her body, but the stigma of having a disease that many people consider fake or superficial. 

This past year she had a terrible flare, which meant all over pain, plus vertigo and chronic migraines. She …

Top 20 TV Shows

Top 20 TV Shows...my lifelines.
Friends (Basic)All My ChildrenBuffy the Vampire Slayer (except Season 6, no Joss 👎)Charmed PsychFireflySabrina, the Teenage Witch (When she leaves college, things take a downward turn, but the series finale is A+)Arrested Development (Only Seasons 1-3, 4 is absolute poop)Parks and Recreation (sans season 1, that shit is terrible)Golden GirlsWelcome Back, KotterOne Life to LiveSOAP (Billy Crystal is the master of all comedy)Warehouse 13Murder, She WroteFrasier (Watch Cheers too)Boy Meets World (Corey and Topanga were my #relationshipgoals)Gilmore Girls30 RockCastle
My life has been spent wrapped in blankets watching these shows. Some dozens of times. I can repeat every line of Friends and have no shame about it. I spent every day of my life with All My Children and One Life to Live until the day they were unjustly and horrifically cancelled. When Psych and Warehouse 13 were taken off Netflix I had medium sized nervous breakdowns. Jesse says he's wait…

Failure is not an Option

Friday afternoon- sitting in the passenger side of mom's red infiniti sports car on the way to Wegman's. We had just left my 2 1/2 hour long allergy appointment, I called my GI doctor's nurse.

"Hello. This is Gabrielle Rosenfeld. I am returning your call"

"Hi, Ms. Rosenfeld. We got your blood work back and I can't really say anything until a doctor looks at them, but, well..."

(5 minute conversation about my GI doctor's upcoming wedding and then back to business)

"I can't say anything right now. but the Humira levels and antibodies. It's nothing bad. Don't concern yourself. I will tell you on Monday or Tuesday, once they have a chance to read them."

"Great. Thanks."

(After 14 years, you know where this is heading...your body struck again. You know that all the hope and positive thinking in the fucking verse won't change your body. You know that whenever you try to get healthy your body goes on the defensive. {In…

Today

I don't usually post about things as they are happening live in my life. I am normally too emotional and raw (and sometimes too high) to talk about them, but after some insistence from Sionne, here we are. Welcome to my Hell Hole.
I am fucking miserable.
I stopped taking my Allegra, Nasacort, and Benadryl two weeks ago. I had an allergy appointment scheduled a week ago and the allergist said that I needed one week off of allergy medication in order for his testing to be effective. Four years ago I went to an allergist and the skin test revealed that I was allergic to absolutely fucking everything they tested.  They thought that meant that my Crohn's was flaring, in a shocking twist, so I never got any treatment. This year, in my quest to get as healthy as I possibly can, I actually obeyed a doctor's order. It wasn't great, but it wasn't unlivable.  
Then, at the appointment last week, the tests still didn't work.  The allergist told me that I needed another de…

Friday Fun Fact- 3/24/17

Friday Fun Fact
Crohn’s disease can affect any part of the GI tract, from the mouth to the anus. It most commonly affects the end of the small intestine (the ileum) where it joins the beginning of the colon. Crohn’s disease may appear in “patches,” affecting some areas of the GI tract while leaving other sections completely untouched. In Crohn’s disease, the inflammation may extend through the entire thickness of the bowel wall. 




Gabrielle Fun Fact I never wear any under garments unless absolutely necessary. Bras were invented by some sadistic asshole who hated women and underpants get lost in my gigantic ass crack, no matter the kind or the size. Nipple covers are a treasure to women with small or fake boobs, if you haven't tried them you must. But remove before you take your top off because they make your breasts look like alien tits. Terrifying to anyone about to enjoy looking at their nature splendor.

Bucket List

BUCKET LISTGabrielle Rosenfeld Edition
Get engaged-no pressure Jesse, just someday.Get marriedAdopt a child- this is still a maybe, I have to be in remission first and even then it's still a maybeAct in a moviePerform a stand-up actGo skinny dipping- I live at the beach, why is this not done? I am a coward.Skydive- Not inside, Mother!Rock climb-not in a gym, outside like a real adventurerAttend an Olympic game- Summer only!Own a boat- that will never happen, but I can dream. They're just so damn expensive.Own a Bentley- see aboveLive in a City-not a suburb, downtown in a city. Doesn't have to be a huge city, Austin, Portland, San Diego, or DC will be just fine.Walk on a tightrope-with a net underneath, I'm not suicidal.Act on a tv show-non reality, procedural or sitcom are my top 2 choicesBe a Game Show contestant- I've attended "Let's Make a Deal" it was terrible, I'm banking on "Wheel of Fortune" or "Price is Right".Own a pai…

Humorless

On Thursday I went numb. On Friday I went crazy. They stole my humor.  24 hours without a word from a doctor, the last one I saw told me that he didn't think I was having a stroke, but he'll go talk to his attendings and be back in a couple hours. 24 hours nurses and techs tried to get ahold of a doctor and each time they were dismissed and ignored. 24 hours I sat in a hospital bed wondering what I had done to deserve this, what I had done to be treated like a divorcee begging for her husband to come home and explain why. All I wanted was to talk and ask them a question, all I wanted was to be treated like an equal. They may have spent half their life in medical school, but I spent half my life fighting this disease. We are both experts in the field of Crohns.

My last hospitalization in November and December was two parts I've broken down into parts A and B. I agreed to be admitted to the hospital, begrudgingly, because I had no appetite or thirst. I was in excruciating pai…

Friday Fun Fact-3/17/17

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY to all my Irish and drinking friends. Here are a few fun facts you may not know about Crohn's Disease:

Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis are inflammatorybowel diseases that cause chronic inflammation anddamage in the gastrointestinal (GI) tract.Crohn’s and other IBD diseases can be treated, but not cured.Approximately 1.6 million Americans currently have IBD, which includes Crohn’s disease  a growth of about 200,000 since the last time CCFA reported this figure (in 2011).


Here's an extra special fun fact about Me:

I have a crippling fear of Edward Scissorhands, even writing his name gave me chills. The windows are not allowed to be open in our home because of the scene where he is on the ladder at the window. I am petrified that he will come through it and stab me in the neck. Hope this was the new thing you learned today and enjoyed it! Thank you so much for reading, please check back on Monday for another juicy Crohnicle.

Once Upon A Throne

Once Upon A Time in a hospital room far, far away in the enchanted land of Baltimore...

I love fairytales more than the average person. I'm 2 steps away from wearing wings and forging my own weapons. I definitely love them more than 90% of men and 78% of women (these numbers are fake, I just made them up. You can do that now). Fairytales have an enchanting power over me and toddlers. For so long I have daydreamed about finally breaking the evil curse.

In my marvelous thoughts, I am a magnificent princess with the greatest hair in all the realms and a rack known throughout the land (every fantasy needs to start with a touch of realism). I rule my kingdom with a strong and noble, yet dainty, fist. When I was 10, I ate an apple from a warlock disguised as John Travolta. Knowing I would take anything he offered me, the apple poisoned my body and made my cells turn against me. Then, one glorious sunny morning in my early 30s, Prince Jesse gallops into my hospital room on a massive hypo…

I'm back

I've lost so many months. I know that sounds odd. How can someone lose months? Easily, time flies when you are chronically ill. I know that sounds odd.
Hours turn into days, days turn into weeks, on and on until one day you realize it's March and you have been hospital sick since October. What the actual flying fuck? I missed winter again. That's twice in 3 years. I lost summer before that...5 years ago.
5 years ago I had to give up my dreams, quit my job, and start contemplating Plan B. I didn't know what the hell Plan B was (my plan, not the pill...phew, what a lifesaver in college). Now, I'm sitting here trying to figure out what Plan F could possibly entail and I can't believe how many seasons I've lost.
I've been sick since I was 10. For years I was wrapped in a blanket in the basement watching Charmed and Sabrina (I thought I was a witch for awhile, not Wiccan, a real magical witch who could control waves. It was a rough time.) At 16 came the blee…