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Whiff and Fondle

Oh baby, let me get a whiff of that.

I have a uber restricted diet for three reasons: my surgery, my disease, and my intense and unwavering love for animals.


I watched the documentary "Food Inc." in 2011 and it exacerbated the small part of me that always wanted to be a vegan. I joined PETA and became one of those bleeding hearts. Unfortunately, it only lasted for a few months, not to my mother's surprise, for I became grotesquely anemic. I'll never forget my final day of veganism, it consisted of waking up after 14 hours of sleep, showering, and driving to work, where on the DC beltway, I fell asleep at the wheel going 60 mph and slammed into the back of a pickup truck. It was not coincidentally the last day of my beloved 2000 Lexus ES 300, (which was the pricey successor to the 1996 version which I flipped in 2005 after having it (and my license) for six weeks). After the accident (and weeks of iron infusions) I now call myself an ovo-pescatarian, which means the only animals or animal related foods I eat are eggs, fish, and occasionally honey. Which was just put on my guacamole and I am now OBSESSED! Anyway, my family hates the choice I made, and continue to make every day, because they see no cute-snouted reason as valid enough to add to my scroll-like list of restrictions I have, due to my surgeries and diseases.


After my surgery to disconnect my colon, in hopes of saving it, the dietitian came in to my hospital room and gave me an extremely long list of foods. (Picture at the bottom). She explained to me that I needed to try each item and see how my body tolerated them, if it ended badly that food would be restricted. I tried most of the restricted items again a few months later to see how it went, in case it went splendidly after my intestinal swelling had gone down. Spoiler Alert...it did not.


For instance, I used to love grapefruit. I would cut them in half, place a half in a deep bowl, layer sugar a fist deep on top and hack at each pink segment with my special grapefruit spoon (the edges were serrated). I have tried it twice since my restorative proctocolectomy and that fruity fuck has burned me from the moment it hit my tongue to the end of my small intestine built rectum. I could hear the sizzle and feel the burn working its way through my Frankenstein digestive tract, mocking me with each new hole it created.

My 2017 no-no food scroll includes dairy, gluten, fried food, fibrous vegetables (cabbage, kale, spinach), stringy vegetables (celery or onions), carrots, acid or citrus (duh!), popcorn or corn kernels, nuts (nut butters excluded), alcohol, mango, kiwi, grapes, casings, lentils or anything spicy or peppery.

With all of these restrictions some think I would be scared of food or dislike being around food, however that couldn't be farther from the truth.


When I was living in the hospital in 2008, waiting for my colon to magically heal or just fall out my ass into a pathology bucket,  I would fill journals up with lists of foods, restaurants, and recipes (the picture at the bottom is from one of the journals) in-between sudoku and reading cook books and magazines. Since then, whenever I'm hospitalized I demand, like the psychotic control-freak that I am, that my mother and guests eat in my room, so that I can smell their cafeteria food. I spend hours in grocery stores sniffing and caressing cheese and meat and pastries and cake. I am shocked I haven't gotten the nickname Muenster Monster and been thrown out on my voluptuous ass yet. Jesse says some creepy noises come out of me when I delve my big Jewish schnoz into a ripe, stinky, moldy treasure, similar to those I shudder out when I get a brief glance of John [Travolta]. Shudder. Poor Jesse...I am the sole reason that he gained weight. When we are shopping or eating together I make him buy/eat decadent nonsense, just so I can put my face, nose first, in them and ask him 40 inane questions about what it tastes like.


There are so many foods out there now that did not exist before 2008. I get so excited when I lay my eyes on something like Ben and Jerry's Salted Caramel Core or Pillsbury Mini S'mores Pie; I suddenly revert back to a kid and sneak it into the cart without the grownup looking. When Jesse and I unpack the groceries and he spots the scrumptious treat, he knows why I bought it...to shove my sniffer in there, while breathing a smidgen too heavily. Luckily, there are also so many more foods out there for me now. There's a massive amount of dairy and gluten free items now comparatively and most of them our delicious. I never thought I would be able to enjoy a yogurt for breakfast or devour my dairy free 1 gram of sugar vanilla ice cream for dessert, while thrusting my nostrils into Jesse's mouth hoping to get a giant whiff of Reese's. Mmmmm...my favorite.

Foods can't eat: popcorn, fried food, casings, dairy, alcohol, caffeine, cauliflower, broccoli, nuts, asparagus, corn, beans, Brussels sprouts, raisins, cabbage, onions, cucumbers, mushrooms, carbonation, potato skins, seeds, grapefruit, celery, coconut, spicy foods, vegetables, whole-wheat, fruit, sugar
*At the top of the photo it says "Non-cow cheese", we thought I could eat those in the beginning. We thought it was the lactose that would bother me, We were wrong.
*Below cheese it says "Nurses". The names were all the nurses on John's Hopkins 9th floor Children's Hospital I wanted to individually thank for taking care of me for many months.


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