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Showing posts from August, 2017

"But, You Look so Good"

Every day Every hour I tell myself to relax; to stop and inhale deeply. I need to do it after I clumsily knock something over or after I hear something about the small handed Cheeto trying to destroy the country. When I get worked up my hands start trembling, my mind starts pinging around to all my shitty memories haunting the corners of my conscious, and my stomach seizes up like an umbrella being shut (Speaking of umbrellas, have you checked out the umbrella bar at Big Chill Beach Club in Indian River Outlet, DE? Its closing gets applause so... basically same same). Worse than all of that is my compulsive picking at my cute face. I've done lots of harmful things to myself over the years (drinking cases of diet coke a day, only dating guys with multiple duis, etc.), but now I'm ruining my once blemish and scar-free face. My pretty decent mug is my third favorite body part after my ass and boobs, ranking one and two, respectively. 
It's gotten so bad Jesse yells "STOP…

i am sorry for abandoning you

i am
i am incredibly
i am incredibly sorry
i am incredibly sorry for...

retreating into myself and allowing the demons to take control
not being strong enough to help others or myself
allowing the fear and the "what-ifs" to win the latest battle
giving up on the people who believed in me and my words
losing the confidence I had earned from telling my story
believing I no longer deserved love and support from my friends and family
It was never my intention to abandon my writing or the beautiful people that read my filthy, feces filled drivel. Each time I sat down to pound out some hilarious anecdote or hard-fought lesson I learned from shitting into thousands of porcelain bowls around the world, nothing but sadness and dread poured out. I have always prided myself on being able to handle this disease with laughter and positivity. I used those attributes to build my "brand" and I wouldn't permit myself to publish something …